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| this is a long one, sorry :)
Hey gram, I love the natural phenomena email that you sent. i'm saving it, and will probably educate myself on most of those things, just because they interest me. i share more things with you than anybody, and my world can be quite dark sometimes. my uncompromising skepticism is beyond my own control, it's my nature. anyways, i figure since i share so many things with you of a dark or doubtful nature, i should also share with you things of the "opposite" nature. rather than opposite, i suppose corresponding would be a better word (think yin & yang). anyways.
until today i have had two significant (very, to myself) spiritual experiences. both were in dreams, and i probably have shared this dreams with you in the past. to make these stories short,
one: i was in a pod high off the ground looking down on people performing religious ceremonies. i saw the falsehood of it all, and the greatest of all truths were revealed to me in the pod. i was overcome with joy and peace, and could not help but cry. this was the first dream, the first significant spiritual experience.
two: i'm walking through a temple where people are performing different practices. i fall into some water and see a large tapestry on the wall. again i feel that i have seen the absolute truth of all things (the equivalent of experiencing god). i feel the same feelings, absolute peace and joy, comfort. this was the second.
these were the only two such experiences i have had (at this point, i'm not talking about the everyday experience of divinity that is in this beautiful world). today, at no significant time, in my waking life, i experienced my third of these things, but this time i was awake and it was more prolonged and i was more involved.this is what happened....
(journal entry) 12-8-09
government was created to serve men, when was this forgotten? today it only enslaves them.
i would like to go on the record today. i see clearly our nature, and where it inevitably leads. we will not change our ways. soon enough it will be too late. we will cause great suffering and destruction (yes, even moreso than we currently do). this world and all it's inhabitants will suffer greatly and pay the price. we will pollute, kill, and destroy until our very last day.
(the sun sets behind the high-desert hills)
every day i believe this with greater conviction. my arguments are supported by all of human history.
there was a time when the connection between man and the world shone brightly, it is now only a dim shadow of what it used to be.
[separate section]
i am humbled by my own existence. how many breaths have i been afforded? how many feeling I've experienced! i have seen such great beauties and such great tragedies; truly i am blessed. every flower, bumble-bee, every sunrise-these are all more than i could have ever asked for. if i were to die at this very instant, it would be as a grateful man. surely i am indebted endlessly to something.
**Something important just happened.
Remember this moment for the rest of my life. i can't even explain it even though it just happened. i wrote of my thankfulness, looked out my window at the world outside. i was touched in the depths of my soul. i felt it coming. in these moments i experienced the greatest peace, the greatest comfort. i closed my eyes and it filled me. tears began running down my face and my entire body tingled as if my soul were about to explode into the air. everything in front of me, i knew there was something more. i knew it. i embraced this revelry and tried not to cry too loud as to not wake sandra. as i write this many thoughts are in my head. i must pause to the sensation again--a cool-tingle, a few more tears. i ask if it's god. i ask to never e left alone again. i am so grateful. i am so grateful.
i am so grateful.
some would call it being touched by god. to me it feels like a union, a realization, an affirmation, a comfort, a knowledge beyond words, an endless wonder, a dissolution of ego. but i will not attempt to explain or classify this. purity is often lost in such attempts. i know this feeling is transient, i will not always feel like this. i may never experience this again, but i hope i do. even if not it was a glorious privilege. maybe even it was just in my head--some neuro-chemical process. it doesn't matter what or how, only that it was. as the seconds pass i feel this event already in poor memory. these things are too big to live in us, especially in memory.
already too much thinking/analysis. what was the william blake quote? "to see heaven in a grain of sand and eternity in an hour".
it's like my spirit was roused from its sleep. during the moment i thought of my dream--it was the same feeling. the same as my two previously holiest moments, both in dreams. i am blessed.
this experience, i attempted to write about immediately after it happened. i took a picture of myself right after. | | |
| I went to the america border so i could see the lines of division shown on the map, but i could not find them. i looked everywhere and could not find them. As I looked I realized something, that these divisions were only in the minds of men, and they did not exist outside of those ideas. Government, country, these things do not and cannot exist outside of our minds. These are concepts that we created. It may have started for a purpose, but there is too much harm now because of them. Division puts distance, and where there's distance there's apathy, us and them mentality, all untrue.
Here is some truth: country does not exist. nations do not exist. god, if he does exist, does not bless these dark concepts of ours. he does not love america any more of less than any other country. he does not bless our war or our beliefs. we are ALL the children of god. ALL. bush, hitler, me, you, all of us. there is nothing else. this truth lies outside of ourselves. | | |
| I went to the america border so i could see the lines of division shown on the map, but i could not find them. i looked everywhere and could not find them. As I looked I realized something, that these divisions were only in the minds of men, and they did not exist outside of those ideas. Government, country, these things do not and cannot exist outside of our minds. These are concepts that we created. It may have started for a purpose, but there is too much harm now because of them. Division puts distance, and where there's distance there's apathy, us and them mentality, all untrue.
Here is some truth: country does not exist. nations do not exist. god, if he does exist, does not bless these dark concepts of ours. he does not love america any more of less than any other country. he does not bless our war or our beliefs. we are ALL the children of god. ALL. bush, hitler, me, you, all of us. there is nothing else. this truth lies outside of ourselves. | | |
| As I walk between the Columbia River and a group of trees I think to myself that I need to nourish my faith. then I wonder, do I have any faith? In anything? And I cannot quickly answer this question with any certainty. And suddenly I notice the golden leaves raining down from the trees to my right, backlit by the declining sun. It's so beautiful. And I notice the 60+ birds gliding concentric circles in perfect synchronicity. I marvel at the beauty and power of nature. And the intricacy of things big and small, and their resemblance of one another. All of this blows my mind and I feel something special on the inside. This, I suppose, is as close as I come to faith.
There are many things I dislike in life. Few are greater than the commodification of all things, the push of a society founded upon consumption. Our holidays, which at some point were meaningful, are reduced to opportunities of consumption. Every holiday has a card to buy, chocolates, whatever. Now they are all the same, and today, today is the worst of all of these opportunities. This black friday--and what a fitting name--represents so much that I hate. People everywhere, going to extreme ends to get a 'bargain'. They camp out, wait in unbelievable lines, and yes, sometimes even trample one another to death. And for what? A fucking dvd? television set? nail clippers? This I will never participate in. My holidays are not consumer opportunities, and I will not buy your shit. I remember why holidays began (and, unfortunately, many of our holiday have such darkness hidden in their origins). Celebration and/or remembering will exist as long as we do, but the way we approach holidays today, this will not last forever. It will burn, one day. It will be a beautiful day. | | |
| in light of recent events, it came to me what i must do on thanksgiving. i will fast. there are several reasons why i choose this. one- to suffer. two- i like the idea of something i once heard "the gods listen to those who fast"-- for some reason, the dead and the rest of the spiritual world do not eat food. it is something foreign and impure, so those who fast can to a certain degree, rid themselves of enough of this impurity to make some sort of connection. do i expect some sort of connection? of course not. god, if he is at all, is a stranger in my world.
i like this:
"i am a loser. i have only a few things, and they are not the desirable things to have at all. i have debt, pessimism, negativity, big ideas that will never become anything, lack of motivation; well, you get the point. unfortunately i also have enough intelligence, if you could call it that, and drive, to make sure that all of these negative qualities are not diminished by kind words or alternative reasonings...
i am condemned. to being myself and having my thoughts, and more importantly, my lack of solutions. i will be this way until the end, if there is one, and i will resent it every single moment.
i am useless. a single speck in a dust heap, inconsequential, less than nothing.
for some reason, unknown to myself, I will persist, i will continue, and i cannot tell you why." | | |
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